In my hours of pondering my friend and his situation, what finally came into my mind was “BRAT”.  For those of you who, like me, have a fussy stomach, you might know that “BRAT” is medical shorthand for a diet of bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast.  This is generally recommended for folks who are having difficulty eating, which my friend now does.

How does “BRAT” apply to me and my relationship to my friend?  Well, in Sonoma County, we have recently ended the Gravenstein apple season.  In my personal opinion, Gravenstein apples make the very best applesauce.   So, over the last couple of months, I have been converting organic Gravenstein apples from local growers in Sebastopol into chunky, homemade, low sugar applesauce and canning it.  The cans are given to my friend so that he has them available in his pantry when he needs them.

Additionally, since my friend loves blackberry jam, I have taken my dog Blue, and haunted the area back roads to pick blackberries on the weekends and convert them into jam.  Through my efforts, in addition to applesauce, my friend will also have homemade blackberry jam to put on bagels, which comprise the “toast” portion of his diet.

Preparing special foods that my friend likes and can eat is a very small thing to do, in light of what he is facing.  The special foods that I prepare will not prevent the cancer from eventually taking my friend.  They will not keep the pain away.  But, in some small way, perhaps by preparing foods that he loves and can eat, it will provide him, as well as me, some small measure of comfort and an acknowledgement that he is loved and that he means a lot to people.

It is a small thing, but, sometimes, all that you can do in the face of such a devastating prognosis is what you “can”.

No, I am not talking about betting the horses, although the results of this kind of playing favorites can result in some pretty serious losses.  What I am referring to is the tendency of parents to favor one of their children over another.  In my experience, when this topic comes up, virtually all parents will stoutly maintain that they treat all of their children the same.  However, from conversations that I have had with family and friends over the years, it is apparent that some very intelligent people are either seriously clueless about their own behavior or on a really long cruise up that river in Egypt (de Nile).

I recently attended a class offered through the community education branch of a local junior college.  The subject was how to deal with issues around the planning and administration of parental estates.  I went in support of a good friend who is currently involved with assisting her surviving parent and dealing with adversarial relationships among her siblings.

In listening to the speaker and questions from the audience, it quickly became apparent to me that there were numerous serious family rifts that had been either caused by ongoing preferential treatment by parents during their lifetimes or by a perceived inequitable division of their estates.  Unfortunately, there is no easy or sure way to make sure that this sort of thing does not happen in a family.

Perhaps parents need to take a step (or three or four) back and honestly assess their behavior towards their children.  Do they “reward” the life circumstances of one child (a spouse and children) over the circumstances of another (single with a career)?  Do they allow themselves to be manipulated (financially and/or emotionally) by any of their children?   Do they become angry and defensive when their children try to discuss the dynamics of their family relationships?

Although self-reflection can be a daunting task, and changing long-term behavior patterns is difficult, making the effort could mean ending up in the “winner’s circle” rather than “finishing up the track” or “breaking down” in the family relationship race.  So many times, I have heard people say “I love my relatives, but I don’t really like them”.  Wouldn’t you like to be able to say “I love my family and I really do like them, too”?

First of all, the Scottie market has been skewed by the 2010 Westminster Best-in-Show win of Sadie the Scottie.  Don’t get me wrong – I applauded as loudly as anybody when Sadie was crowned.  But, apparently, Scotties are suddenly an “in” dog.  Their stock is hot (unlike the recent misadventures of another market) and people who don’t know the breed and its quirks are suddenly rushing to buy one of those “cute” little black dogs.

My initial effort to find a reputable breeder involved going to the websites of two well known national dog organizations and requesting a breeder referral. I never received an acknowledgement or a referral from either organization.

Around the same time, I sent e-mail inquiries via a regional breed website to two Scottie breeders that I had met while attending dog shows.  Once again, there was no response. Talk about bad customer service – to be contacted by somebody with money in hand ready to buy your “product” and to give no response. Why even bother to have a website with an e-mail address available?  You might as well have a fully stocked store with beautiful window displays that is never open.

Happily, since that time I have spoken with a breeder in another state and have filled out a comprehensive application to be placed on her puppy waiting list. She has provided references from some owners of her puppies and I have interviewed these folks about their experiences with her.  I have studied her extensive and frequently updated website (her husband is a programmer).  Her attitude is that she wants to do the best thing for the puppies she personally breeds, the potential puppy owner, and for the Scottie breed in general.

This is somebody who clearly understands not only the importance of marketing, but of following through with excellent customer service.  As devotees of another Scottish export, golf, will confirm you can’t just take a swing, you need to have a solid follow through!

Ace 

When I brought Ace’s ashes home, I put them on my dresser with a framed photo of him and a bowl with his favorite toys in it.  Each evening, as I sat reading in bed, Blue would stand below this “shrine” and sniff quietly at the toy bowl.  He never tried to take any of the toys, it was almost as if he was breathing in memories of Ace.

Blue is now an only dog.  Since dogs are pack animals this is not an entirely happy thing for Blue, especially when I am at work.  The happy part is that he now gets LOTS of attention, extra walks, and more trips to the dog park. 

Blue

As for me, I’ve been surprised to discover that the crazy puppy that I sometimes wanted to “divorce” has grown into a wonderful dog.  In May, Blue was my companion on a weekend trip to Mendocino.   We shared a lovely room at the edge of the forest, a trip to the botanical gardens in Fort Bragg, and lunch on the outdoor patio at The Moose Café (where Blue had his very own order of apple wood smoked bacon from the dog menu – seriously, them have a short menu of items for their doggie guests).  To my great and pleasant surprise, Blue behaved like the bearded gentleman in a grey tweed coat that he somehow resembles.

Our companionship and expanding relationship is helping us both recover from the loss of Ace.  It is sometimes really hard to remember, but positive things can come from even the most painful situations.  While it is fine to remember the past, it should not keep us from enjoying the present or looking forward to the future.

Blue 

And speaking of the future, I have started researching breeders with an eye to getting a Scottie puppy for Blue to train much as Ace raised Blue.  Something to look forward to…..

After noticing that the surname of the “stranger” was the same as that of Maria Bonde Hollenstein’s brother-in-law,  I responded that, yes, I was their great-great granddaughter. Since then, a delightful correspondence has sprung up between me and my fourth cousin who, I have now learned,  is a teacher with a toddler and lives in Idaho.

In the process,  I have put her in touch with my other internet contact from my Danish ancestors and they are putting their heads together too.  We are women of three different generations descended from Danish immigrants who lived in Arizona a long time ago.  We are working together from three different states towards the common goal of knowing a bit more about some of our ancestors.  It kind of boggles my mind when I stop to think about it.

Maria Bonde Hollenstein

Although we may never actually meet face to face, we have reached out to each other via the social media network and the connection has been nothing short of magical.  I can hardly  wait for the next e-mail from either of my new friends or, dare I hope, from another connection on the ghost network.

Being (more than) a bit of an introvert, I put myself on the internet in a very modest sort of way, yet the unexpected returns that I have experienced have been incredible.  It really does boggle my mind to consider the returns that a carefully orchestrated social media campaign could yield.

Something to think about…

My first trip to Cancun was thirteen years ago during “spring break”.  Neither the accommodations nor the service at the resort at which I stayed made a good impression on me.  I left with no desire to see Cancun or that particular resort ever again. 

Fate, however, had other plans and I recently found myself returning to the same resort in Cancun in the “off season”.  In the interim, the resort had undergone a cosmetic “face lift”.

In spite of my initial  lack of enthusiasm about revisiting the resort in question, I found myself quite favorably impressed by the “can-do” attitude and courtesy of the current staff. The accommodations were immaculate, contemporary, and well maintained.

I learned many things during my return visit to Cancun. The most relevant to my own work situation is that attitude and effort can make a huge difference in a customer’s experience even at a moderately priced resort.  I guess the old saying that “attitude is everything” still applies.

What makes promises so difficult to keep?   

The dictionary defines “promise” as “a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc. by one”.  It sounds simple enough. You agree to do something and then you do it.  So why is it that so many promises are not kept?

Even worse, those who make and then break their promises often don’t seem to feel the least bit of remorse or the need to offer an apology or explanation for having broken their word.  

Currently, the college age daughter of one of my friends is on a solo month long adventure through India. Her initial contact/host family is a relative of one of her mother’s co-workers and their home has been her base of operations. Somehow, contact was established with another family in Mumbai who agreed to play host. So off Leslie went on a twenty hour train trip. When she arrived at the station in Mumbai, Leslie found that her “hosts” had changed their minds and had sent her bag to a hotel.  So, here she is in an unfamiliar city, in a foreign country far from home. She is traveling alone. She knows no one.

Being the strong, brave, resourceful soul that she is, Leslie finds the hotel, recovers her bag, and finds a place where  she can afford to spend the night.  She makes plans to return to Bangalore on the following day’s train. If anyone can handle this situation, Leslie can.

The point, however, is that she should never have been put at risk like this. If the family did not wish to play host, it would have been much kinder in the long run just to have said “no” in the first place rather than to leave a young woman stranded.

My parents and various mentors over my career always stressed the importance of doing what you say you will do.  Consequently, I don’t make promises lightly. I expect to keep each and every one that I make. If something happens to prevent me from keeping my word, I find a way to make it right.

It is a small thing in this great big fast moving world, but there a still a few people around who keep their promises.  Whether in business or in your personal life, strive to be one of this rare breed. A promise kept should not become an endangered species…

Although I was concerned, at first, about turning Blue loose with a bunch of other dogs, what I have discovered is that dogs will generally get along amazingly well, if their humans will just leave them the heck alone.  In fact, dogs get along much better than a similar sized group of humans would.

So how does that work?

First of all, when a new dog appears at the gate to the enclosure, most of the other dogs gather around to greet (sniff, smell, and otherwise assess) the newcomer.  Frequently, a dog or dogs will pair off with the newcomer right at the gate and head off to play. This is completely different behavior from a human party where the latest arrival must find some way to approach others who are already engaged in conversation and risk being rejected.  There are no outsiders at a dog party.

Another thing that I have noticed is that dogs are not afraid to do their own thing.  Some dogs love to chase after balls or Frisbees, others like to run, a few like to just sit in the wading pool, and some love to wrestle with another dog.  Blue’s favorite thing is to find a bigger dog with similar energy and “play rough”.  At the dog park, nobody cares what anybody else is doing, because everybody is having a good time.

If a couple of dogs do happen to run afoul of each other, usually the simple curl of a lip is enough for both parties to decide to walk away.  In several years of regular dog park attendance, I have only witnessed two instances of “dog fights” both of which were over in around 10 seconds without injury.  Once a dog has said his piece, he gets over it and moves on.

Maybe we should all take a lesson from our pets and let our behavior “go to the dogs”.

Around seven years ago, before I expanded my lawn into what had been my vegetable garden area in the interest of making my house more “marketable”, I had the space to grow twenty varieties of heirloom tomatoes.  Now I only have space for ten, so I must be ruthless in my selection.

Every year I keep a “tomatobase” of information regarding my favorite crop.  The information that I track includes the number of fruits produced by each plant, the date of the first ripe fruit, and the characteristics that I particularly like or do not like about the variety. 

Okay, you can quit laughing now.  I mean, after all, is it really that big a jump from being a “bean counter” to counting tomatoes?

 The purpose of accumulating all of this information is to help in making the selection for the coming year’s plantings.  As an example, if a variety produced a high number of fruits, but they tasted like an old sponge, it probably won’t be back this year.  A lower producing variety with incredible tasting fruit will be more likely to make the cut.  (Does this remind anybody else of hiring employees?)

I try to get a broad spectrum of fruit characteristics, cherry tomatoes and standards, and fruits in a rainbow of colors – red, orange, yellow, green, and purple – in my selection. Most of my fruit is eaten fresh, or shared with friends, and my two dogs Ace and Blue look forward to eating fresh cherry tomatoes while standing in the garden on a warm summer evening. Blue, clever boy that he is, will even nose around under the tomato leaves trying to find an extra ripe fruit to be eaten on the sly.

At the end of the growing season, the remaining unripe fruit is converted into green tomato chutney and pickles and canned. These items are included in Christmas boxes mailed to various relatives around the country including a bunch up in Alaska.

So what lessons have I learned from my tomato obsession?  Grow what you love, grow what works best for you, share what you grow, and remember that dogs appreciate good things too!  All of these lessons can be applied to your business or life in general.

And most of all, whatever you do, have a good time while you’re doing it.

It started with an e-mail from a woman whose ancestors were also involved in the Arizona silver boom in the late 1800’s (think Tombstone in the bad old days).  She is doing research for an article on the early history of Arizona territory as part of the centennial celebration and had tracked my family down as a possible resource.

Consequently, I dusted off my previous genealogical research and via the Internet discovered a whole lot more than I knew before about the Hollenstain line.  I now know exactly where they came from in Denmark, when, and by what ships.  I recently found my great-great-grandfather’s naturalization records and am waiting on a copy of a will that was filed in Tombstone prior to his return to the Salinas Valley circa 1902.

Right now, I am trying to push the Hollenstain (aka Hollensteiner) line back another generation from Denmark to Schleswig-Holstein or Prussia.  This is proving to be a challenging task.  Just when I think I’ve picked up their trail, my ghostly ancestors slide quietly away. 

As an unexpected side benefit of this genealogical activity, I find that I am growing more tolerant of others knowing that I have had a Revolutionary War general, a little person (dwarf), two accused witches (one executed), a brewery owner, a master mariner/explorer,  and several Native Americans hiding among the leaves on my family tree.  Once in a while, I could swear that one of them is reaching out from amid the leaves when I find a photograph of an ancestor born nearly 150 years ago smiling at me from the internet.

As an accountant, my role frequently involves a lot of “detective” work.  I weave my way through a customer’s business records, the history by transaction of a company, unraveling knots as I go.  Along the way, I start to get a sense and understanding of the people who are the life blood of the company just as I seek to develop knowledge of my ancestors.