The key, in my opinion, is how we choose to view and tell our story. When a tragedy happens, do we take it as confirmation of our own failings, or do we look for lessons that we can learn from the episode? It’s never easy and I don’t want to trivialize the emotion of the moment or the sorrow of human suffering. When we first encounter the sorrow or the fear or the hurt, we have no choice but to cope – any way we can. But once we survive the episode, when we have time to breathe, how do we talk about the event?

We have a choice.

We can view the event as part of our long tale of woe and make it so. Or we can view the event as a stepping stone that leads us onward and upward.

Sometimes, we can only see the positives when we look back over our lives. The same events that at the time were heart-stopping and deadly, in retrospect, turn out to be the very events that propelled us forward into our best moments.

In my case, my dream to be a speaker and communicator was realized when I spoke at Tedx Napa Valley in September. I got there through a series of high and lows, twists and turns, laughter and tears. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the lessons I have learned.

What about you? Do you have scars or tattoos that tell the story of your life?

In my hours of pondering my friend and his situation, what finally came into my mind was “BRAT”.  For those of you who, like me, have a fussy stomach, you might know that “BRAT” is medical shorthand for a diet of bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast.  This is generally recommended for folks who are having difficulty eating, which my friend now does.

How does “BRAT” apply to me and my relationship to my friend?  Well, in Sonoma County, we have recently ended the Gravenstein apple season.  In my personal opinion, Gravenstein apples make the very best applesauce.   So, over the last couple of months, I have been converting organic Gravenstein apples from local growers in Sebastopol into chunky, homemade, low sugar applesauce and canning it.  The cans are given to my friend so that he has them available in his pantry when he needs them.

Additionally, since my friend loves blackberry jam, I have taken my dog Blue, and haunted the area back roads to pick blackberries on the weekends and convert them into jam.  Through my efforts, in addition to applesauce, my friend will also have homemade blackberry jam to put on bagels, which comprise the “toast” portion of his diet.

Preparing special foods that my friend likes and can eat is a very small thing to do, in light of what he is facing.  The special foods that I prepare will not prevent the cancer from eventually taking my friend.  They will not keep the pain away.  But, in some small way, perhaps by preparing foods that he loves and can eat, it will provide him, as well as me, some small measure of comfort and an acknowledgement that he is loved and that he means a lot to people.

It is a small thing, but, sometimes, all that you can do in the face of such a devastating prognosis is what you “can”.

No, I am not talking about betting the horses, although the results of this kind of playing favorites can result in some pretty serious losses.  What I am referring to is the tendency of parents to favor one of their children over another.  In my experience, when this topic comes up, virtually all parents will stoutly maintain that they treat all of their children the same.  However, from conversations that I have had with family and friends over the years, it is apparent that some very intelligent people are either seriously clueless about their own behavior or on a really long cruise up that river in Egypt (de Nile).

I recently attended a class offered through the community education branch of a local junior college.  The subject was how to deal with issues around the planning and administration of parental estates.  I went in support of a good friend who is currently involved with assisting her surviving parent and dealing with adversarial relationships among her siblings.

In listening to the speaker and questions from the audience, it quickly became apparent to me that there were numerous serious family rifts that had been either caused by ongoing preferential treatment by parents during their lifetimes or by a perceived inequitable division of their estates.  Unfortunately, there is no easy or sure way to make sure that this sort of thing does not happen in a family.

Perhaps parents need to take a step (or three or four) back and honestly assess their behavior towards their children.  Do they “reward” the life circumstances of one child (a spouse and children) over the circumstances of another (single with a career)?  Do they allow themselves to be manipulated (financially and/or emotionally) by any of their children?   Do they become angry and defensive when their children try to discuss the dynamics of their family relationships?

Although self-reflection can be a daunting task, and changing long-term behavior patterns is difficult, making the effort could mean ending up in the “winner’s circle” rather than “finishing up the track” or “breaking down” in the family relationship race.  So many times, I have heard people say “I love my relatives, but I don’t really like them”.  Wouldn’t you like to be able to say “I love my family and I really do like them, too”?

Hardly anyone understands what is causing the state of the economy but it is quite simple.  Actually, I believe that all economics is quite simple but economists confuse us with their special language and statistics.  The economy is not recovering well enough to create the jobs that are required.  This is because we are going through a demographic hole.  A demographic hole is created when a large generation (baby boomers) cools off their spending and the next generation (generation X they are called) is a smaller group.  You see, people follow a pretty predictable economic pattern when viewed as a large group.  When we are young and carefree, we spend money (what little we may have) on consumables like food and beer (or wine here).  As we start to form a household, around age 27 or so, we accumulate things like housing and children.  That’s when we start to impact the economy and begin to create economic growth.  Well, as baby boomers,which was a large group, we did it in a big way. Naturally, that made the economy expand.  Now it is the turn of the generation X crowd to do the same and indeed they are.  But there is a problem.

Generation X (ages 30 to 45 or so) is a smaller group than the baby boomers.  About 12 million fewer! That means there are fewer customers to buy stuff.  That is the reason the economy is not recovering very fast, if at all.  Let me repeat that.  Not as many customers!  Sounds depressing because there is nothing anyone or any policy can do to change that.  It may even get worse.  That’s the bad news.  But I told my daughters do not despair.  Just understand that we will not recover for a while so relax and work on what will become the next advancing economy.  You see, their generation (the millennial, or generation Y) is actually a bigger generation than the large baby boom generation was.  To prepare for that next large wave of economic growth, I told them to pay attention to the needs and desires of their own generation.  Sell them what they want or need and you will have 20 years of good economic times!  Patience.

The theme of our retreat was communication and the exercise came from The Improv Handbook  by Tom Salinsky and Deborah Frances-White.The idea was to  put one of the core concepts of Improvisation (the idea of “yes, and…”)  to the test using three different simulated conversations. We matched everyone in the room with a teammate and instructed each pair to plan an imaginary trip, event, or picnic. The goal was to generate as many ideas as possible during the timed exercise.

In the first exercise, we instructed each member of the pair to shoot down every idea their partner proposed. 

We gave them this example: 

Person A :” let’s go on a balloon ride in Napa.”

Person B : “oooh no, I’m afraid of heights. I don’t  like to fly in a plane much less a tiny wicker basket. How about going to a movie?”

Person A : “There’s nothing good on. I wait for movies to come out in DVD, then I can watch them on NetFlix. How about a trip to Stinson Beach? “

Each pair had three minutes to come up with ideas.

In the second exercise we instructed the pairs to work on the same outing. 

This time they were to agree with their partner’s suggestion but to do so in a grudging way:

Person A : “let’s go on a balloon ride in Napa.”

Person B: ” Um, well, those things are really expensive, but OK. I’ll up my life insurance policy so my wife and small children don’t have to suffer if something bad happens. How about a nice, safe meal at Bottega after that?”

For the third exercise, teams were again told to work on the same imaginary outing but this time they were told to enthusiastically agree with their partner’s suggestion and then build on it.

They had the same three minutes to generate ideas:

Person A: “Let’s go on a ballon outing in Napa.”

Person B: ” That sounds like a blast! While we’re up there, we can scout out wineries that we can go visit in the area. “

At the end of the third exercise, we asked the group how the different scenarios compared. The consensus was that more ideas happened when team members were able to build on their partner’s suggested activity. It was pretty obvious from the energy in the room during the middle exercise that grudging agreement does not support creative ideas. Several of the teams even ran out of steam before the three minutes were up for that scenario.

While most of us find it pretty easy to kill every suggestion our partners make, one of our team members found it  hard to do so during the first exercise. His female teammate kept coming up with great ideas so he had a hard time feigning negativity. (We plan to make her chair of our event committee.)

The group agreed that grudging acceptance was the least productive environment for generating ideas while the “yes, and…” approach which includes positive agreement and building on a suggestion makes for more creative ideas. It is interesting that even strong disagreement is easier to work with than passive, unhappy agreement. 

In your next meeting or brainstorming session, try this exercise as a way of showing participants how to help their teammates generate more ideas. And the next time someone (your spouse, co-worker, or child) comes up with an idea or suggestion, try not to be the one who squashes their creativity.

It has now been six months and Mikyla is in her fourth round of chemotherapy.  The side effects are monstrous.  She has sores in her mouth, throat and all the way down to her stomach and beyond.  She can’t swallow, spit, eat or even talk without a lot of pain.  She is looped on pain meds which don’t seem to help that much.  She has hearing loss, double vision, nausea, etc. etc.  My daughter spends 21 hours a day at her bedside, helping her fight this very personal war.  The outcome of the war is still in doubt, but there have been encouraging signs.  All of the loose cancer cells in her brain and spinal cord have disappeared and the remaining tumor has shrunk. 

I am known around here as the “The Sage” but it confounds me to no end how such evil things can happen to innocent people.  The universe is random and chaotic and sometimes very destructive.  Life is short and not all that sweet. 

All we can do is enjoy the good things, fight through the bad things and hang on as long as we can.

Wow, what a climb!  Do you ever feel like there are just too many steps before you? On my recent business trip to the East coast I spent a day in Lynchburg, VA to visit family.  While out and about as a tourist I came across these 132 steps.  They serve as a memorial for local veterans dating back to WWI.  As I ascended the  steps and read each of the memorials I began to reflect on all of those who have given up so much, often their lives, so that I might have freedom.  I don’t want to sound cheesy but I have amazing opportunities thanks to these folks. 

So, what do all of these steps have to do with you?  Let’s see, freedom to… choose, decide, speak, vote and learn from our mistakes.  How have you managed with this responsibility?  If you’re like me, you probably haven’t given it much thought.  It’s a way of life, isn’t it?  The current recession seems to have shocked us awake — it isn’t business as usual.  Although our freedom has not been impacted,  our way of life has.  There are positive signs that the economy is moving forward but at a very slow pace.  I think it will take many years before we are running like a well-oiled machine.  Which brings me  to the point of this blog.

Reaching the top may require you to ascend many steps.  Do you have the patience to trudge ahead?  Will you follow the same path that got you there before?  Is there a better way to get there?  Do you want to arrive at the same place or is there something better awaiting those who venture off the beaten path?  My hope for you is that you take the time to focus your attention on answering these questions for yourself. 

Until next time…if you don’t like the race you’re running maybe it is time to rethink how you’re going to reach the finish line.

When it comes to financial information, we accountants  sometimes use our own special language to separate people from the information we share. It’s not intentional, it just happens when you spend all of your time immersed in a technical subject. (Ok, for some people it is intentional and for some,  intimidating others is the best part of their job.) Ever had an interesting dialogue about amortization with an accountant?

As an instructor at WISE academy, I periodically teach an 8 hour financial class to winery employees. The goal of the class is to remove the mystery from financial information by giving our students a new vocabulary. Believe it or not, at the end of the 8 hours, they use their new financial vocabulary to analyze financial statements. You would think we had a room full of accountants (without the lead pencils or 10 key).

Once you remove the language barrier, it is easier for people to ask questions and to communicate with everyone on their team.

Around seven years ago, before I expanded my lawn into what had been my vegetable garden area in the interest of making my house more “marketable”, I had the space to grow twenty varieties of heirloom tomatoes.  Now I only have space for ten, so I must be ruthless in my selection.

Every year I keep a “tomatobase” of information regarding my favorite crop.  The information that I track includes the number of fruits produced by each plant, the date of the first ripe fruit, and the characteristics that I particularly like or do not like about the variety. 

Okay, you can quit laughing now.  I mean, after all, is it really that big a jump from being a “bean counter” to counting tomatoes?

 The purpose of accumulating all of this information is to help in making the selection for the coming year’s plantings.  As an example, if a variety produced a high number of fruits, but they tasted like an old sponge, it probably won’t be back this year.  A lower producing variety with incredible tasting fruit will be more likely to make the cut.  (Does this remind anybody else of hiring employees?)

I try to get a broad spectrum of fruit characteristics, cherry tomatoes and standards, and fruits in a rainbow of colors – red, orange, yellow, green, and purple – in my selection. Most of my fruit is eaten fresh, or shared with friends, and my two dogs Ace and Blue look forward to eating fresh cherry tomatoes while standing in the garden on a warm summer evening. Blue, clever boy that he is, will even nose around under the tomato leaves trying to find an extra ripe fruit to be eaten on the sly.

At the end of the growing season, the remaining unripe fruit is converted into green tomato chutney and pickles and canned. These items are included in Christmas boxes mailed to various relatives around the country including a bunch up in Alaska.

So what lessons have I learned from my tomato obsession?  Grow what you love, grow what works best for you, share what you grow, and remember that dogs appreciate good things too!  All of these lessons can be applied to your business or life in general.

And most of all, whatever you do, have a good time while you’re doing it.

One time Milt had me engrave John Wooden’s  Pyramid of Success.  That was the first time anyone ever made a permanent version of his masterpiece.  I think the work I did 42 years ago on that pyramid still stands at UCLA.

My boss, Milt, was the kind of boss who took me along to present the plaque to Mr. Wooden.  That was a great day for me, especially looking back at it now.  What a wonderful person to spend a half hour with. 

The second time I got to meet Wooden was to present an athlete of the week pewter mug to Lew Alcindor. Jr.  (Kareem Abdul- Jabbar).  Believe it or not, we are almost exactly the same age!  Why in the world we presented college athletes a beer mug each week is my question now. It seemed ok to me when I was 21. Incidentally, my own daughter Kristen is now a student at UCLA. (proud father.)

Two things stand out to me as I remember those occasions.  

• The first of course was what a nice guy Mr. Wooden was.  Everybody either called him Mr. Wooden, or just coach.
• The second is something I still try to practice today.  That was that Milt Smith, my mentor and boss, asked me to join him to present the plaque I engraved to Mr. Wooden.  He didn’t have to bring me, the lowly engraver, along on those trips, but he thought it would be nice for me to meet someone he knew well and admired.  Now there was a man ahead of his time and someone worth emulating!